nosongwithoutyouprotection.wehavetimedizzyonthecomedownwhilewe'reyoungheartbeatnowthatifoundyoufrom your lil sooseh
it really feels like i've been thinking about your birthday for months and months now. even before mine, i remember looking yours up and even since then i've been anticipating august 2nd. dates can mean different things for different people... birthdays, anniversaries, first dates, second dates... i guess i had never thought about it before we made the leap from friends into something a little deeper, how important something so small can be. august 2nd is a special day for both of us now, because if this day hadn't happened 21 years ago, you might not be here with me right now. so i'm thankful for august 2nd. eternally so.
i've never been great with words, which is something that i think by now you know and understand, because i really prefer to show my love in more subtle ways, but i really want today to be different. i want this letter that i'm writing to echo through your soul and be your cemented reminder of my feelings for you, and why i feel the way that i do. you're so special to me, mark. you'll have already heard this once today because you'll probably see nct's birthday page before this one, but i need you to know it and i need you to feel it. when you and i first met at isac, i thought you were sweet and cute and funny, but obviously back then, i had no idea that my brief infatuation with you would turn into anything more than what it was. i didn't know that we would meet later on and become friends, and i sure didn't expect that our friendship would blossom into something more than that.
the whole time we were friends, i really and truly never thought you would be into me. i always thought you were too interesting, too funny, too quick-witted for someone as quiet as i tend to be 98% of the time. you've got a way about you that draws everyone in, a magnetism which makes people love you even if they have no idea which one you are, they fully support you anyway and it's always such a loud and clear expression. you're one of the most truly spectacular people i've ever met, and i don't mean to make you sound like a fireworks show or something like that, i just really mean that your soul is such a light and you guide so many of us with it, even if you choose not to believe that or think it's not true or whatever. where would any of us even be without you? this group wouldn't survive without your huge efforts and your beautiful overflowing energy, no cap whatsoever.
all of this feels really jumbled so far, which is pretty much how i feel most times i spew my feelings, but i hope that it's at least flowing nicely and somewhat understandable! you tell me quite often that you knew you liked me the second we started talking, but i was completely oblivious to it. i knew that i liked you, that i wanted to be someone in your orbit, but i didn't really have my heart opened up to the possibility of something romantic at the time so i was blind to a lot of things. i look back at myself then and now, and i'm so proud and thankful that i let my guard down and let things happen for myself. i can't even believe i did that sometimes, to tell you the truth. my life is and has been so work-oriented for years... i live and breathe for my members, for my job, and sometimes i forget that i'm allowed to let myself enjoy other things too. maybe not something as big as this, but breaking the rules in secret never really hurt anyone, has it? it felt right. you felt right.
i've always been so shut off emotionally. not necessarily in a bad way, but in ways where i put everything else in my life first and foremost. i don't stop to consider that maybe i should be happier and maybe i should focus effort in another field of my life while i continue working on itzy and on myself. you came and you broke down my walls, changed my ideas and my feelings. you rewired my entire heart, and i know that despite all of that, sometimes i still close myself off. it's unintentional, but it's just what i'm used to, so maybe it will be a slow process until i can fully feel comfortable expressing what i feel daily. i hope that you'll be patient with me, and you'll keep giving me time and chances to open my heart completely to you. the want to do so is there, and efforts are being made, but in the meantime while i work on improving myself, please understand my heart and the ways that i choose to show my love.
we've hit so many little bumps in this relationship already, but it's like you said... bumpy is okay, it's a part of life. anything has the potential to be hard, we just have to stay positive. you and i are in a unique situation to begin with, and it doesn't really help that both of us are also really new to this. navigating this twisted map of a relationship was never given the easy stamp to begin with, but you know what? i'm glad i get to do it with you of all people. i'm glad we get to discover new things about ourselves – good things, bad things, sexuality, jealousy, patience, drama, opening up, fall outs, etc. i also appreciate your patience with me and your willingness to help me through my problems, especially whenever i get in my own way. you pull me aside and tell me that things aren't as big as i currently believe that they are and then you make me laugh, smile, and things start to feel okay. that's huge to me and it really, really means a lot that you take the time and put in the effort to do that.
you already know that sometimes i feel like i'm undeserving of you for many reasons. either i don't feel like i match up, our energies aren't pairing, i'm dragging you down instead of building you up... but i try my best to push through those insecurities because i don't think you would have stayed with me this long if any of those thoughts merited any truth. i know that i can be difficult sometimes, and i know that i haven't exactly been myself lately, but your willingness to try and help me through my problems and my self-doubt has truly meant the world to me. i don't know how i'll ever even begin to repay you for all of that, or even all of the things you've literally paid for. you always tell me not to worry about it, that money is never an issue and that you don't mind doing stuff like that for me, but at the same time dang. you've gone above and beyond for me and for this relationship and i'm so, so grateful for it.
this letter is already insanely long and i feel like i've just reiterated things that i've already told you, but i really want to close it off by telling you how much i really, truly, viscerally love you and appreciate you for exactly the person you are. i love that your consistent high energy gives me energy, i love your cheerfulness, your kindness, your constant need to make people happy, your enthusiasm, your readiness to give anyone and everyone a chance... i love everything about you. you underestimate yourself entirely, but someday i hope that you can be kinder to yourself and see yourself through my eyes. no, you're not perfect, but is that really even possible? nobody's perfect. i'm not perfect and we're not perfect together, but to me it still feels pretty close to my idea of perfection. i love you so much, mark lee. i can't wait to keep moving forward with you, and i can't wait to see what the future brings to us. happy 21st birthday, baby!!youryeji